How do you deal with people who offend you?

I'm sure I'm not the only one who sends my kid to martial arts classes for more than just the exercise.

We are blessed to have a number of great dojos in my town, including the one where my son goes. In yesterday's "mat chat" at the end of class, the sensei talked about a good way to disarm someone who criticizes you: simply disagree.

For example, if someone tells you your hair looks stupid, you can say, "I don't think so. I actually really like my hair!" And it takes all the fun out of picking on you.

Notice that you're not telling the other person they are wrong. You are not criticizing them for being mean. In fact, you're not turning the focus toward them at all. You're just sharing what's true for you, because your perspective is valid.

The trick, of course, is to know what is true for you -- what you believe, what you care about, how you want to see yourself, and how you want to be in the world. Otherwise, it's all too easy for other people to knock you off balance and distract you with their agenda.

All of this is part of the skill of setting boundaries, and it is something we adults need to practice, too.

By now, most of us have learned not to directly criticize people to their faces, but that hardly keeps us from saying things that can be taken as offensive or threatening. And we can easily find ourselves in conversations where we feel offended -- by someone's political views, religious beliefs, parenting style, or anything else that just feels different and wrong to us.

How, in those situations, do you disarm potential conflict without hiding what's true for you?

How do you maintain your boundaries?

How do you simply disagree?

I would love to hear what you've learned about this in your own life. What kinds of approaches have worked for you? How have you become more skillful over time? Where are you still challenged? What else might help?

Thanks, as always, for sharing.

On "daughtering"

Last fall, my (then) 11-year-old and I went to a great mother/daughter weekend retreat with Sil & Eliza Reynolds in which they taught us about "daughtering." This is a word they made up as a counterpart to "mothering" to describe the role that a girl plays when she actively participates in creating the kind of relationship she wants with her mom. 

I think it is brilliant.

It has been helpful in my relationship with my child, who has started "daughtering" me in ways I really appreciate, like asking for help, letting me know her needs, and suggesting new ways of doing things that would work better for her. It is such a huge improvement over sarcasm, eye-rolling, and disengagement!

More broadly, the concept of daughtering is a reminder to me that I can have agency in all of my relationships, even when I don't have formal authority. If I don't like how things are working, I can do something about it! I can show up and participate. I don't have to be a victim, silently stewing while I wait for the other person to read my mind.

What about you? Have you ever tried to help someone (boss, parent, friend, spouse, doctor, etc.) support you more effectively?

If so, what was it like? What did you learn?

What is alive for you?

Earlier I thought I was going to write about the name calling and vitriol being traded back and forth related to confederate monuments in the U.S. The lack of listening and dialogue makes me sad, and there are so many things I would like to see instead.

But here I am, sitting down to write, realizing that my earlier topic is not really "alive" for me at the moment.

What is alive for me right now? What am I aware of? What do I have to say?

In the moment, I'm feeling grateful for things. Grateful that I can hear an outdoor movie playing on the town common near my house -- and also grateful that I can go to YouTube to flip on some white noise to block it out so I can concentrate. Grateful for some conflict I've been having in my family, which I think is going to lead to positive changes. Grateful for the cantaloupe I'm eating, that I thought was past its prime but turned out to be perfectly ripe and delicious. Grateful to have an inkling of where this blog post may be going, and feeling good about it.

For several months now, I've been hosting community conversations that give people an opportunity to reflect on that question of what's alive for them, and share about those things with each other. We don't try to solve anyone's problems or come to any consensus; just provide space to hear ourselves think, and see what shows up.

It's a form of mindfulness practice, really.  It's an opportunity to notice how many thoughts and feelings we have in each moment, and how easily they can shift and change. It's also an opportunity to notice how other people affect us, and what it takes to stay present to ourselves even in the face of discomfort.

Each time the conversation is different, depending on who shows up and what's happening for them, but I always come away with something valuable.

I just scheduled four more of these conversations for the fall through my Alive & Connected Meetup group, and would love for you to come if you're in the area. I can also facilitate private sessions, either 1:1 or with a group of your choice.

In the meantime, why not take a deep breath and notice what's alive for you right now?

I'd love to hear.

What to do with the rage?

What do you do when you feel rage? I'm not talking about annoyance or frustration or anger, but full-blown primal rage.

I felt that rage this week. It was powerful and intense, and wasn't interested in being placated with re-assuring words.

At first my rage was directed toward a specific person. (It doesn't matter who.) I hate him, I hate him, I HATE HIM! I found myself screaming one day, driving alone in my car.

But what's interesting is that when I started taking those thoughts to the next level, wishing the person dead, or even just out of my life, I couldn't do it. I realized it wasn't actually what I wanted. All the things that enrage me -- cruelty, dishonesty, hypocrisy, short-sightedness, ignorance, cowardice, selfishness -- they don't die, even when people die.

What I wanted was not to feel powerless.

And what I was raging against was not a person or even a group of people, but the human condition itself.

Poor humans. Here we are, trapped in vulnerable bodies, with unreliable brains, up against situations that are soooo much bigger than us and often make no sense. How could we not feel powerless? How could we not feel rage? 

I sat with that rage for quite a while, and watched it turn into grief.

Being human is hard enough. Why do we insist on making it harder by going to war with each other? By making up stories about "good" guys and "bad" guys? By getting all self-righteous and judgmental and pretending we know things about people that we simply don't know? By getting so caught up in proving we're right about other people's flaws that we lose sight of what we actually want?

It's so easy to be fooled into thinking that cruelty, dishonesty, and the like are problems out there that we can just find and eliminate, but they're not. Those things are built into all of us. They are built into me. And I've got to find a way to live with that.

Sometimes, that way involves screaming. And crying. And then taking a deep breath and moving on.

Whatever may be happening in your own life, I hope you will hold some compassion for yourself. Being human is not easy, and I think we could all use a little more tenderness right about now.

Happiness cards in action

I was in Ithaca, NY this past weekend for a seminar, and had two fun opportunities to use my connection cards.

I left a "You are Appreciated" card for the woman whose beautiful garden and little free library outside of her home made me smile.

And I left a "You are Awesome" card for the hotel housekeeper, who had made this cute little duck out of washcloths:

In this case, I left the card for the hotel... but can you imagine if a hotel or B&B left cards like that for their customers? I bet it would totally make people's days.

If you had cards of your own, what would you do with them?

If you want to give it a try, you can order here.

My dream for the country

Each day I receive an email from Brian Johnson at Optimize, with a new suggestion for how to "+1" my life by getting just a little better in some way. One of the recent ones was about creating a dream for the future that is so powerful and exciting that that it practically pulls you toward it. It was a really good one for me to reflect on.

There are a lot of things I want, but the truth is that most of them don't compel me into action. I want to be rich and famous, for instance. I want people worldwide to love and admire me. I want to live in a beautiful, clean, comfortable home. I want to eat nutritious, delicious, locally-sourced meals in just the right quantities. I want to be healthy and fit and strong and beautiful. I want to be a good parent, spouse, friend, and neighbor. 

But when I take those desires and apply the "pull" test, none of them feel right. My chest gets all tight, I start feeling anxious, and my mind starts trying to talk me into why I should get excited about them, perhaps to compensate for not actually feeling that way at all. 

Underneath, I'm thinking, Who cares? Sure, it'd be nice to be rich, or any of those other things, and I really admire people who know that's what they need to do in life and just go for it. But for me, the oomph isn't there. Those desires feel at once both challenging to attain and not big enough.

A dream that inspires me has to be about more than just me. It has to be something I know I can't accomplish alone. And it has to be specific enough that I'll know for sure when I see it. Black babies playing with white babies is really specific, as is women having the right to vote. Both were way bigger than any one person, and couldn't have been done alone. 

What I'm dreaming about today is national political leaders who treat each other with love and respect.

In this dream, both the public and the media demand this integrity from them, and are eager to both reward it and emulate it themselves.

Specifically, I can imagine a Presidential debate that would leave me inspired and hopeful for the future of the country. I can imagine a moderator actively bringing out the best in each candidate, and inviting them to speak to their common goals. I can imagine a public eager to help their next President be a good leader, no matter who wins. I can imagine a Presidential election actually bringing people together.

Like all good big dreams, I don't really know how this might come about, but I can think of lots of things that would help, and the idea of doing those things excites me... even pulls me!

If you know of others dreaming a similar dream, please put me in touch with them. I would love to connect.

And of course I'm also wondering how you relate to your own dreams. Is there something that's pulling you? Something you've thought should be pulling you, but maybe isn't? I would love to hear.

Family Camp Update

A few weeks ago, I shared my plan for showing up at family camp this year, and I promised I'd let you all know how it went. So here is my report.

First of all: I did it! I offered what I said I would offer, which was a daily early-morning gathering for people who wanted to get centered and connected to each other before launching into the day. I advertised it each night at dinner, and got up early to facilitate each morning.

I also showed up in other ways that were new for me. I participated in the annual ping pong challenge (which previously I'd avoided out of fear of embarrassment). I slid down the natural waterslide in the nearby river (which previously I'd avoided for the same reason). I made up this game for people to play with my connection cards. And I invited everyone to contribute memories of the week to a gratitude jar. It felt great!

It was interesting to me that the more I contributed to the group, the easier it was for me to see and appreciate the ways that *other* people were contributing. The people who led sing-a-longs on the porch, created entertaining posters to hang in the bathroom stalls, initiated really engaging conversations, and so so much more, each made the week richer and more enjoyable because they showed up.

All of those same people were there last year too, offering similar gifts and opportunities, but I was too busy feeling lonely and isolated to appreciate them. This year, I was one of them, and it made me feel connected and grateful.

Have you experienced this correlation in your own life, between your own willingness to "show up" with other people, and your appreciation of them? Or your enjoyment of an activity as a whole? Where, or with whom, do you show up most fully and consistently?

Conversely, what happens when you hide? When and where do you do it? What does it feel like? If it's unpleasant, what helps you remember that there could be other options?

Feel free to comment below, or send me a private message. I always love hearing from you.

Free Listening is Weird!

Three times now, I've gone to Boston Common with a small group of people to hold Free Listening signs and talk to people who want to talk. Inspired by the Urban Confessional Free Listening Project, I see this as a fun, easy way to offer loving attention to people, be reminded of our shared humanity, and appreciate our differences.

At one of these listening sessions, a reporter from NBC Boston asked to interview us, and created this this short article and video about what we were doing. It got posted twice on the NBC Boston Facebook page (on July 11 and July 14), and generated a ton of comments.

A lot of people were inspired by the idea, but I was struck by how many people thought it was weird, laughable, and even contemptible. 

I would actually love to talk to those people. I wonder if they could help me find better ways to have the kind of impact I want to have.

I would tell them something like this:

What I want is to live in a world where people are good to each other, and listen to each other, and are not so afraid and suspicious of each other.

I know I'm not alone in wanting that. When I ask people what kind of changes they would like to see in the world, those kind of things nearly always top the list: more compassion, more empathy, more community. You probably want those things in your own life, too. But how do we get there?

I understand that free listening is weird. It's also time-consuming and, on its own, probably limited in impact. But our human relationships matter to me, and I want to do something. If you can think of a better way to use my time and skills to inspire people care for one another, I would love to hear it.

What about you? Do you have ideas for me? If so, please pass them on.

Finding the Courage to Show Up

Next week I will be up at a family camp in New Hampshire with no computer and no cell service.

Up until now, I've had an uneasy relationship with this particular camp, which we're attending for the third year in a row. While I love the opportunity for lots of hiking and outdoor time with my family, and hot meals cooked for us every day, this is the same camp at which, two years ago, I let a kid get washed over a dam. And last year, I was just really lonely there, pretending to want alone time, but mostly just feeling disconnected and afraid to reach out to people. Yuck.

This year I am committed to having a different experience. I want to actually show up and be me! I want to offer something of value to my fellow campers. 

My current plan is to offer a daily morning gathering for anyone who wants to attend, similar to the Alive & Connected meetups I've been facilitating. This will be a time for people to check in with themselves, shares what's on their minds, and set some positive intentions for the day. Maybe I'll offer a time for sharing and reflection at the end of the day as well.

Will anyone besides me even show up to these gatherings? Who knows. But I do know it's important that I show up, if for no other person than for myself. My hope is that the impact will go well beyond that.

I will let you know how it goes when I'm back in Internet land. In the meantime, I'm curious to hear how you relate to large-ish social gatherings. When have they felt best to you? What gifts do (or could) you bring to those groups, and how/why does it make a difference? How have you noticed other people contributing to social gatherings that you can be grateful for? Maybe you could take a couple of minutes right now to let them know you appreciate it!

I definitely appreciate you. Thank you for being part of my world, and for everything you bring to it.

What I want for my birthday

I turn 40 in a couple of weeks! July 18th, to be exact. I am so excited.

I thought I was going to throw myself a party to celebrate, or set up a special getaway with friends, but it turns out that's not what I actually want. What I've realized I really want, more than anything, is to see the Gift of Happiness grow.

I want to see more people taking charge of their own happiness, and sharing that happiness with others. And I want to find and connect with as many of those people as possible. 

To that end, here is a birthday wishlist that I hope you will read and share. And if anything on it would feel good to do, please do it!

If you want to give me a gift, here is a partial list of things I'd love -- many of which won't cost you a thing, but would really make a difference to me.

1. Tell people about The Gift of Happiness. Seriously, this is one of the most wonderful things you could do for me. Share this blog post, my website, or one of my YouTube videos or Facebook posts. Let people know what I'm up to, why you think it's great, and why they might be interested, too. 
2. If you don't know enough about Gift of Happiness to be able to share it, look through my website and let me know what's missing or unclear. How could I make it easier for you to share this with people?
3. Order a set of cards from me, and use them to make people smile:
4. Write me a testimonial on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Alignable.
5. Set up a time to let me brainstorm with you about ways you could enjoy bringing more happiness and connection into your work, family, community or personal life. Use Appointy or just email me.
6. Introduce me to people you know who are doing similar or complementary things and might be interested in connecting and/or collaborating somehow.
7. Invite me to facilitate a workshop or discussion for your organization, team, or group of friends.
8. Join one of my Meetup groups or online communities.
9. Introduce me to reporters, bloggers, podcasters, or anyone else whose audience might be interested in what I'm doing.
10. Finally, do something today that will bring you joy and satisfaction, because ultimately, that's what this is all about.

Thank you so much for helping me celebrate. I hope we all have a wonderful year ahead.

With love & gratitude,
Anne