What are you thinking?

While driving the other day, I noticed that the top of me was very hot in the sun, but my feet were cold from having just walked in the snow.

It would be awfully nice if I could tell the car to blow warm air onto my feet and cool air onto my face, I thought. That would feel so good! Just thinking about it made me smile and appreciate how wonderful comfort is.

And then came another line of thought: Oh come on! There are people who don't even have cars. Can you really not handle a little physical discomfort? Instantly the joy was replaced with guilt. Guilt for wanting something more than I have, for wanting something that most other people will probably never have. I started feeling tense, and a little disgusted.

Wait a minute, countered the first line of thought. I never said I couldn't handle discomfort, or that I wanted my own comfort at the expense of anyone else's. I was just appreciating how nice it would be to have relief. Is there really anything wrong with that? Am I supposed to want to be uncomfortable? The guilt subsided. And I took off my coat.

I share this because it's a great example of how much our happiness is shaped by our thoughts, and how quickly our sense of well-being can change based on those thoughts: Doing things to increase joy feels good; doing things to avoid pain feels bad. Appreciation feels good; guilt feels bad. Wishing happiness for all people feels good; focusing only on ourselves feels bad.

The objective situation can stay exactly the same, but the meaning we give to it really matters.

Which areas of your life feel good right now, and which ones don't?

What thoughts are you thinking that reinforce those feelings?

What happens when you focus on different thoughts?

What do you want to do?

Don't do it because you have to; do it because you want to. And if you don't want to, don't do it.

I've met a lot of people who think that sounds like dangerous and irresponsible advice. If people actually followed it, they think, it would lead to mass laziness, ignorance, and social breakdown.

I disagree. 

I don't think people want to be lazy or ignorant. Nor do they want to sit idly by while their society breaks down. Those things don't actually feel good! 

Sometimes, though, it can be hard to know what our real desires are. What we want is mixed in with things we think we should want, that other people want, and that we've wanted in the past but don't actually serve us any more. Not to mention, powerful memories of those times when we did what we wanted and got punished, teased or rejected for it.

It's often a lot easier to just do what we're "supposed" to do and avoid asking what we want altogether.

That said, I find for myself that when I do take the time to sift through all the noise in my head, I am heartened by what I discover. What I really want to do isn't just good for me, but tends to be good for other people too.

I want to tell the truth with kindness and listen with humility. I want to take good care of my body and my environment. I want to follow through on my commitments. These things aren't always easy or comfortable, but they are aligned with my deepest values, and when I act on them, good things happen.

Following the "do what you want" advice is only a problem when I don't sit with the question long enough to find an action that would really feel good, and instead act on the first idea that pops into my head (e.g., yell at the person I'm mad at, eat yet another slice of cake, renege on a challenging commitment, etc.). In those cases I'm not actually doing what I want to do, but rather running on auto-pilot. It's not a problem of bad advice, but bad execution.

What do you think? Do you have a good sense of what you want to do? What would happen if you did those things more consistently?

What's your word for the year?

My word for 2017 was trust.

I'm not sure exactly when I realized it -- it was well after January 1st -- but once I did, it kept showing up for me again and again. No matter what I needed guidance on, the answer involved trust: trusting myself, trusting other people, trusting the process, trusting Life. It served me well, and helped me do things that were new and exciting and scary.

In the past couple of weeks, my word for 2018 has emerged: teamwork.

It started in the context of my family, where I realized a sense of teamwork was sorely lacking, and that there was a lot I could do to change that. But I'm craving more teamwork in my Gift of Happiness activities, too. As much fun as it's been to develop my own ideas and offerings, there is only so much that one person can do alone.

In 2018, I want to find more people with their own ideas for how to inspire joy and connection in the world, and who are eager to co-create and collaborate. Maybe you know people like that. Maybe you are one of those people. If so, I look forward to talking with you more, and hope you will reach out.

I also hope that you will tell me your word for 2018.

What are you craving? What are you ready for? What would you like to guide your year? It is always good to hear from you. You can comment below, or join the (free) Gift of Happiness Facebook group and post there.

Is all diversity equally wonderful?

I recently read this interview with Ali Rizvi in The Sun magazine about his experience as an atheist Muslim trying to reform Islam so that (among other things) he does not have to risk his life to maintain his beliefs.

One thing that powerfully stood out to me was the theme of Muslim reformers like Rizvi being accused by Western liberals of being "Islamophobic" -- prejudiced against Muslims -- when they speak out against Islamic violence and fundamentalism.

This got me thinking about the whole social movement to honor and celebrate diversity, religious and otherwise, that I consider myself part of.

It's an interesting side effect of our desire to honor diversity that we can, without thinking, assume that diversity is more important than other human values, like respect and freedom.

Diversity is important to me because it leads me to new knowledge and insights, helps me make better decisions, and allows me to do things that I couldn't do on my own. But the article was a reminder to me that promoting diversity for diversity's sake is stupid.

Honestly, some kinds of diversity I like more than others, and I think it's important to be able to say so, as well as for my left-leaning, diversity-valuing mind to admit it.

(Just one of many possible examples: Donald Trump is bringing a certain kind of "diversity" into the slate of U.S. Presidents, but there are a lot of other unique qualities I would prefer.)

My liking or disliking different kinds of diversity doesn't threaten diversity itself -- diversity simply IS, regardless -- but being clear about my preferences is very important for guiding my life and choices.

If am going to bring a certain diversity to this world no matter what (which some people will like and some people won't), I might as well embody the particular kind of diversity that feels best to me. Not only will it make me happier, but it's the best way I know to contribute to the greater good.

I hope you will choose do the same.

The Shopping Mall Challenge

Everyone knows that going to the mall after Christmas is a recipe for pain and frustration, right?

Wrong!

Or at least, it doesn’t have to be. Instead of going to the mall this week to get something, I challenge you to go with the intention to give.

INSTRUCTIONS: Go to a mall, set a timer, and see how many of these activities you can complete in an hour:

1. Enter a store (or section of a store) you’ve never been in before, and notice something you like about it.
2. Give someone an authentic compliment.
3. Give an authentic smile to someone you don’t know (and didn’t smile at you first).
4. Put some quarters in an envelope that says, “If you’re reading this, this is for you” and tape it to a gumball machine or kiddie ride or massage chair.
5. Let someone else go ahead of you.
6. Thank a clerk for working today.
7. Put back a mis-shelved or fallen item.
8. Pick up litter and put it in a trash can.
9. Offer a small gift, like a balloon or sticker, to a child (get permission from their parent first)
10. Leave a note on someone’s car with the intent of making them feel good.
11. BONUS: If you see other opportunities to offer kindness, by all means, do them!

I highly recommend inviting a friend of family member along, as you can be a source of courage and encouragement for each other.

If you don’t have a mall nearby, a grocery store or big box store would work perfectly well too.

When you are done, I would love to hear what it was like. How many items did you check off the list in an hour? What was the easiest? What was the hardest? Post your comments below, or send me an email.

Is suffering necessary?

A friend recently pointed out to me that I was creating a lot of unnecessary drama for myself in certain parts of my life. Like being upset about things I have no control over, and using the upset as a reason to put off taking action to make the situation better.

“I actually kind of like the drama,” I told her at the time. There is something exhilarating about having a problem, experiencing intensity and struggle, and then working through it until there’s a breakthrough: some kind of insight that gives me both relief and clarity about what to do next. The breakthrough feels like an accomplishment, and it gives my life a sense of richness and growth.

When I think about it, though, my breakthroughs pretty much always come down to the same things: Remember what’s important to me. Share the gifts that I have to offer. Receive the gifts that are being offered to me. Is a dramatic struggle required? Maybe not.

I don’t need to have a fight with my husband in order to commit to listening better and contributing more. I don’t need to feel ashamed about a failed event before getting the help necessary to create a successful one. I don’t need to get offended about someone else’s bad behavior in order to act in ways that I feel proud of.

What complicates things is that breakthroughs often do come after periods of pain and struggle, and it’s easy to assume that the struggle is necessary. But suffering itself doesn’t create breakthroughs. The breakthrough happens when we decide we no longer want to suffer, and are willing to do something about it.

What if I simply decided I don’t want to suffer in the first place? What if I stayed focused on what’s important to me, and just kept moving toward it? Would my life be boring? Would I lose the ability to connect and relate to people? Would I stop learning and growing? I don’t think so. But I do think I’d get more done, and have a lot more fun in the process.

Rethinking "helpless"

A friend of mine has been going through a scary time, preparing for a medical procedure.

I know the "right thing to do" is to call her. To reach out. To be present. To listen. To let her know I love her. This is what I would advise anyone else to do.

And yet earlier this week I found myself resisting those things, because I didn't feel confident in my ability to help. I have had very few medical problems of my own, and really don't know what a person in her situation needs or wants. I don't have any special wisdom or healing technique to offer. I was afraid I'd call her up and feel awkward and not know what to do.

Yeah, best to avoid that discomfort, a voice inside me said. Leave the reaching out to other people who can do a better job than you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help. You shouldn't even try. 

But helplessness is a great big lie.

Just because some circumstances are out of my control -- i.e., my friend is sick, and I can't heal her -- doesn't mean that everything is out of my control.

Just because I can't help in ways I wish I could help, or think I should be able to help, doesn't mean I am helpless. 

What if I interpreted my feelings of helplessness not as proof that there's nothing I can do, but as a signal that I don't yet know what there is to do?

What if, instead of shutting me down, helplessness prompted me to open up and get curious: Given the limitations that exist, what could I do to be helpful? What would feel good to do? Who or what could help me figure it out?

The truth is, there is always something we can do to help, and when we truly want to know what it is, it doesn't take long to find it.

I did end up calling my friend this week, just like I knew I should. But I didn't do it until after I'd shifted from helpless passivity into a place of hope and empowerment. I was ready to offer her love not because it was the "right thing to do," but because it felt like the best way I could help. I believe that shift made all the difference.

To "be the change," ask for help

I really love the quote from Gandhi, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

To me, this is the ultimate statement of empowerment. Don't wait for someone else to solve the problem for you, or expect other people to do things that you yourself aren't willing to do. Be a leader. Go first. You have everything you need.

Gandhi may have been talking about large-scale social change, but the same principles apply in personal relationships, too:

• If you want your partner to appreciate you, start noticing what you appreciate about them. 
• If you want your kids to honor your needs, start getting curious about theirs.
• If you want your superiors to respect your ideas, make sure you respect them. 
• If you want people in general to share the best of themselves, then generously offer them the best of you.

When you go first, it makes it easy for other people to reciprocate.

Of course it's hard to conjure up authentic warm feelings when we are feeling unappreciated, ignored, and disrespected ourselves. Which is why, in these situations, it is important to ask for help. Ask a friend, or a counselor, or God, or wherever else you tend to go when you need wise answers and a good sounding board.

How you define the problem is important. If you see the other person's behavior as the problem to solve, you might ask questions like this:

• "How can I get them to ____?"
• "How can I help them understand ____?"
• "Why don't they ___?"

The thinking there is, if they would just change their behavior, then you could start feeling and acting differently toward them. But getting people to change is practically impossible. No one wants to be manipulated or told what to do -- especially if they are also feeling unappreciated, ignored and disrespected by you.

Instead, I suggest seeing the problem as you, and your current inability to treat people the way you want to be treated. This leads to different kinds of questions:

• "What do I need right now, and how can I get those needs met?"
• "What might I not understand about this person or situation, that could help me shift my perspective?"
• "What could I do that would feel like a step in the right direction?"

Questions like that are great because the answers are actionable, and don't require any cooperation from the other person for your situation to start improving. Usually cooperation happens eventually, though. Be the change, and change will happen.

That's been my experience, at least. Does it ring true for you, too? If not, what's missing? I would love to hear, as always.

From self-pity to empowerment

I recently found myself caught in a rut of self-pity, resentment, and frustration. I needed help and I wasn't getting it. I wasn't even asking for much, but no one came through for me the way I wanted them to. 

People are stingy! I started thinking. Don't they get how much of a difference they could make? How dare they sit back and do nothing, assuming that someone else will be the one to step forward?

Have you ever noticed that when you get angry at other people, the words you start using to criticize them could just as easily describe you?

After ranting to myself a while, that's exactly what I realized: It's not "other people" I'm mad at for being stingy with me. I'm mad at myself for being stingy with other people.

I see requests for food and clothing donations, and pretend not to see them. I tell myself things like, "That's just not my thing. I contribute in other ways."

I see people's invitations to events, or opportunities to volunteer my time for a good cause, and immediately look for excuses not to go. I tell myself, "I'm just too busy. I have more important things to do."

I see opportunities all around me to contribute to people: to write them a testimonial, help promote their event, to support their fundraising effort, or even simply to "like" their Facebook page. And yet so often I don't do it. I tell myself, "I'll let someone else do that. I'm sure they'll be fine without me." 

Over and over, I choose not to give, and then tell myself it doesn't matter. They don't matter. I don't matter.

It's a tricky situation, because of course, if I automatically said yes to every opportunity to give and serve, I would quickly become overwhelmed.

But automatically saying no has its own repercussions, too. It makes me feel small and selfish. It reinforces my fears of not having, doing, or being enough. And it makes me feel like I live in a world where people don't support each other -- which I know because *I* don't support them! 

What's interesting is that when I look back over the past several weeks more objectively, I see that I've actually been offered a ton of love, encouragement and opportunities. I was just so focused on what was missing that I barely even noticed. 

It can be hard to reach out to other people when I'm feeling empty, but I don't want to love people only when it's easy. I want to practice loving them when it's hard, too. I want to be proud of the way I treat people, not just when I feel like it, but every single day. It is one of the best self-help techniques I know.

To help me get back into this practice, I'm committing to doing -- and sharing -- one small thing that I feel good about every day throughout the month of December. Would you like to participate too? If so, come join me in the Gift of Happiness Facebook group, where all of the sharing will be happening. I hope to see you there!

When NOT to send a thank you card

As a general rule, I'm a big fan of gratitude. Not just making lists of things I'm grateful for, but sharing that gratitude with others, and letting people know when something they've done has made a positive difference for me.

There is tons of research on how gratitude enhances our happiness and well-being, but I also want to offer a caveat: It is important not to fake it. If you do, it will backfire.

Or at least that's been my experience.

There have been many times in my life when people have done wonderful, amazing things for me, and honestly, I didn't feel grateful. Instead, I felt resentful.

I was resentful to be in a situation where I needed help in the first place. Resentful that other people could do things that I couldn't. Resentful that what I had to offer in return felt so inadequate. Resentful that my problems didn't go away, even after receiving help. And resentful that I felt so resentful!

But at the time, I couldn't even acknowledge the resentment, because my mind was telling me I should feel grateful. It created a huge bind.

At times like those, I would argue that gratitude is not the most helpful thing to express. Instead, if you want to reach out, find people who are struggling and send cards to them. 

You don't have to fake anything with people going through hard times. You don't even have to know them. Even if you've never met, you already understand something about their experience. Just put in writing some words that you might like to hear, and trust that they will be perfect.

Not sure where to find people in need of love? Take a few minutes to scroll your favorite social media feed. Despite the conventional wisdom that people only publicly share the shiny happy parts of their lives, I haven't found that to be true at all. People share about loss and illness and disappointment, too. And when they do, you can send them real cards.

Or if it would be easier to send a card to someone you don't know personally, check out the website for The World Needs More Love Letters. This organization collects stories of individuals around the world who could use some extra love, and invites strangers to write to them. On the list right now are a housebound centenarian, a sophomore in college, and people of all ages struggling with their mental health. You could also nominate someone to receive their own bundle of love letters.

You might not know what impact your words will have on the other person, but it almost doesn't matter. Reaching out to someone with love when you've been feeling like the needy one is a powerful and important statement, in and of itself. And it can be the thing that helps you turn the corner and head back toward the light.

Then, once you've started experiencing that light again and actually feel grateful, go ahead and send thank you cards to anyone and everyone you can think of! No matter how much time has passed, the people who love you will be overjoyed to celebrate with you. 

Your comments and stories are welcome as always. I look forward to hearing your perspective.