Authentic kindness in business

I posted this article in the Gift of Happiness for Business group this week about a Southwest Airlines flight attendant who came up with a creative and generous way to honor a passenger with Down syndrome.

It impressed me not only because it was a fun and unique idea, but also that it was actively supported by company leaders who could have easily said "no."

In your own business, what do you do to make your customers feel cared for and appreciated, beyond providing the products or services they pay for? 

If you have employees, how do you encourage them to share authentic kindness with the people they interact with?

If you want to increase sales and genuine word-of-mouth referrals, these are important questions. I'd love to talk them through with you to see if I can help. Get in touch, and we can set up a time to chat.

Sponsored by moments of joy

I've been enjoying Preston Pugmire's Next Level Life podcast for creative entrepreneurs.

One of the fun things he does each week is name a "sponsor" for the episode. But the sponsors aren't companies; they are experiences. Like the feeling you get when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide, or when you have a kernel of popcorn stuck in your teeth and you finally get it out, or the sound that it makes when you connect perfectly with a high five.*

This part of the podcast always makes me smile, and it's a great reminder that happiness isn't very complicated. It's not some far-off permanent state we need to strive to attain; rather, it lives in each small moment that we let ourselves experience and enjoy.

Moments of happiness can be fleeting, but there are always new moments available.

If you were to suggest an experience to "sponsor" one of these podcast episodes, what would it be? How many moments can you recognize today that would make good candidates? I'd love to hear.

*Did you know that the trick to a good high five is looking at the other person's elbow when you go to connect? I just learned this a few weeks ago and it blew my mind. If you've never done it, support the podcast sponsor and give it a try!

On gender, privilege and influence

Earlier this summer, the Washington Post ran a fascinating article called Crossing the Divide, which profiled four transgender people who transitioned from female to male in adulthood. Having lived as both men and women, they had firsthand knowledge of -- and empathy for -- the experience of both genders in our society. 

I'm familiar with the concept of male privilege, and how men in this society have it easier than women in a lot of ways. But what I loved about the article is that it helped me see benefits of being a woman that I'd completely taken for granted. Things like the kindness, trust, and goodwill extended to me by strangers, and the support available to me when I feel threatened or afraid.

It's not that these things are explicitly or intentionally denied to men, but the subtle social rules for them are different. As a woman, I can get away with doing and saying things that would have great repercussions if I were a man -- and vice versa.

If I changed my gender (or, for that matter, my skin tone, or age, or weight, or able-bodiedness, or attractiveness), all of a sudden I would have a new set of privileges, as well as new rules to learn about what's appropriate and how to be effective in the world.

I am curious about the kinds of privilege that you recognize in your own life, not just from your demographics, but also based on your unique skills, traits and life experience. What gifts or advantages do you have that not everyone does?

More importantly, how can you use them to make a positive difference?

How fast can we change?

This week I've been participating in a 4-day "mindset challenge" with Preston Pugmire, as part of his Next Level Life Community on Facebook.

We've only just finished day 3, but it's already been valuable to me.

The activities have involved sitting in silence for 5 minutes a day, reflecting on a question, and sharing answers in the group. It's helped me take a fresh look at my life, clarify my priorities, and shift my mindset so that I'm primed to take action on things that matter to me.

It is simple, yet effective. And I love that it's only 4 days.

As someone who is used to longer challenges (typically 2-4 weeks), I am intrigued by the idea that something short can be just as powerful.

Preston didn't waste a lot of time easing us in or helping us get comfortable. Instead, he had us dive right in on Day 1 and record a Facebook Live video in the group. He didn't coddle our fears about it, just expected us to do it, whether we were scared or not. And nearly everyone did.

Action came first, and confidence and clarity followed.

This makes me think of all the time I've spent planning and preparing to do things that I think would be good for my life, but that feel scary. Is all of that time really necessary? What if I just took a deep breath and dove in?

I'm enjoying the possibility that maybe habits don't have to take 21 or more days to change. Maybe they just take a willingness to decide that now is the time.

So, what do you do?

Earlier this week I attended a mini-workshop through SCORE with Chuck Goldstone, who offered advice for how to compellingly answer the question, "So what do you do?" He urged us to identify the core story that defines who we are, and then adapt it to the specific interests of different audiences.

What he didn't do was give a lot of examples of what a core story might be, so I've been kind of pondering it on my own: What is my core story?

At this point what I'd say is that I help people build and strengthen relationships.

That may not seem like the most obvious description for a business called the Gift of Happiness, but in my mind happiness and relationships are closely tied together. Also, in the massive, 80-year Harvard Study of Adult Development, it's been shown that good relationships are critical for happiness and health as well. (Watch the TED Talk here, if you're interested.)

In a home setting, relationships could mean kids, spouses, parents, in-laws, exes, or neighbors. In a work setting, it could mean employees, co-workers, managers, customers, donors, or prospects. Regardless, my goal is to help people think about those others with a sense of kindness and shared humanity, and act accordingly.

"Help people build and strengthen relationships" is accurate in terms of what I offer -- workshops, conversations, card-sending systems, etc. -- but I'm curious how it lands for you as an answer to the 'What do you do?" question. 

If I said it to you at a party or networking event, would it cause you to lean in and want to know more? If not, why not? If so, what additional questions would you want to ask?

I'm also curious what you say to people when they ask you what you do. How did you come up with that particular response? Does it tend to lead to valuable conversations? What other answers have you tried, or might you be interested in trying?

Thank you for sharing!

If you can't control it, don't make it a goal

Marketing consultant Suzan Czajkowski, who facilitates my local entrepreneurs group, recently offered us a really simple, helpful distinction between goals and outcomes that I keep coming back to, and thought might also be helpful to some of you.

In short: Goals are things you can control, and outcomes are things you can't. 

If you're trying to set goals for yourself or your business, it's important to know the difference. 

Finding a life partner, making a certain amount of money, being healthy and free of pain: those desires are important to recognize, but they are outcomes, not goals. They involve factors beyond your direct control.

If an outcome is important to you, the critical question to ask is, What can I do (i.e., what goals can I set) to make that outcome more likely?

For example, if I'm gathering with a large group of friends or family, I may want to have interesting and meaningful conversations with them.

In the past I might have said that was one of my goals for such a gathering.

But what if the conversations ended up being about things that weren't interesting to me? Or we ended up doing an activity that wasn't conducive to talking at all? Would I have failed?

Well, yes. But mostly the failure would have been that I set myself a "goal" that had no business being a goal in the first place. Rather, it was an outcome that relied on other people, whose actions are beyond my control.

To be successful in the future, I'd need to think through specific actions that would help inspire the kinds of conversations I want. For instance, I could:

• Identify 5 specific topics that would be interesting and/or meaningful to me, and think about ways I might introduce them
• Think of the people I'd specifically like to talk to, and ask them at the beginning of the gathering if we could find time for a conversation
• Ask the hosts ahead of time if they could help me find time to play a conversation-generating game or activity that I bring
• Ask a friend to help me brainstorm other approaches that I might not think of on my own

Any or all of those actions could make great goals. If I completed them, 1) I'd be much more likely to have interesting and meaningful conversations, and 2) even if the conversations didn't happen for some reason, I could still come away feeling successful -- which would be a nice outcome in itself.

As it turns out, I am about to gather with a big group of friends this weekend for an annual camping trip, and I do really like interesting and meaningful conversations -- so this isn't just hypothetical for me. I'm looking forward to putting it all in action.

What is an outcome you want for your own life or work (or maybe just for this weekend)? Have you taken the time to set goals related to that desire? It's extra effort, for sure, but I think ultimately more satisfying than leaving your fate up to circumstances beyond your control.

Giving with no strings attached

I was invited to facilitate a conversation for a local entrepreneurs group next month on the topic of my choice. No particular parameters; just something that would be fun for me to talk about.

I chose relationship marketing (with an emphasis on the relationship part). 

The Gift of Happiness has always been about helping people reach out to one another with gratitude, encouragement, support and celebration, because it makes both the giver and receiver feel good. But do this regularly in your business and there are additional practical benefits, like higher sales, customer loyalty, and word-of-mouth referrals. Not to mention an increase in employee morale, creativity, performance, and retention.

People like being appreciated, respected, and attended to as human beings, and there are great ways to do this that don't take huge amounts of extra time or money. Mostly it takes a shift in mindset: thinking not so much about how you want your customers to support you, but what you can do to support them. Offering bonus gifts with no expectations or strings attached, but just to show you care.

You can send personalized thank you cards, "nice to meet you" cards, and cards of support, encouragement, and celebration. You can collect a stash of small gifts to offer people who are having a rough day, or have done something to brighten yours. If you have a physical location, you can add something to enhance visitors' experiences, no purchase necessary.

These things may sound so small, but they matter. A recent New York Times article shared research about thank you notes, that we tend to underestimate their positive impact, and overestimate how much our words will be scrutinized. I expect the same is true for these other acts of human kindness as well.

If you'd like to explore realistic ways to incorporate relationship marketing into your organization, let's talk! Join my newly-launched Gift of Happiness for Business Facebook group, or contact me directly.

If you don't have a business, remember that the no-strings-attached giving approach works to strengthen relationships with co-workers, neighbors, and family members too. Give it a try with someone new, and let me know how it feels!

Forget happiness; give me real

Happiness researcher Shawn Achor experienced severe depression while he was teaching Harvard undergrads about happiness.

Happiness speaker and entrepreneur Nataly Kogan experienced a similar personal crisis during the time when she launched her Happier app and gave this TEDx talk.

I was thinking of these two heroes of mine during the Avatar course earlier this month, on a day when I was feeling especially raw and emotionally drained. Screw happiness, I remember thinking. I'm done forcing it. I want something real.

Not that happiness isn't real, of course. It's just not the only real thing worth experiencing. Life is way too big to fit into a box called happiness.

In my classes, I teach about the importance of feeling the full spectrum of emotions, but just knowing that to be true doesn't ensure I always do it. More and more lately, I've found myself seeking out and clinging to happy feelings while trying to avoid anger, sadness and fear. And it hasn't felt good.

Part of happiness-seeking is just human nature, but I think there's also a part of me that fears that if I have a business called the Gift of Happiness and am not consistently happy, I must be a fraud, failure or hypocrite.

I think it's time to let that fear go.

Feeling angry or discouraged doesn't mean I'm bad at what I do. It just means that I'm alive and experiencing being human. I can powerfully advocate for and facilitate happiness without needing or even wanting to be happy all the time.

Ultimately, this is what Shawn and Nataly and so many others realized, too. Their experiences with depression, panic and despair didn't mean they had chosen the wrong field. Quite the contrary; it deepened their knowledge, making them even better teachers and leaders in a field with deep personal significance.

That's what I aspire to as well.

Experiences that change us

On Monday I completed the 9-day Avatar course in Florida. For anyone who followed along in our Facebook group, you know it was a bit of a roller-coaster for me, but ultimately very worth it.

Since coming home, the biggest shift my family has noticed is that I've slowed down a lot. I'm noticing more, and allowing myself to experience more of life rather than being so quick to label, evaluate and process everything.

I am more present with my family, and listening a lot better, not just to their words but to their energy and affect. I'm not taking everything they do so personally any more, or second-guessing myself so much as a parent or a person.

It's exactly the kind of change I was hoping for, and it feels great.

You can find the schedule of upcoming Avatar courses here, and I am happy to talk to anyone who is curious about the experience.

I'd also like to hear from you: What are some of the experiences (courses or otherwise) that have had the biggest positive impact on you? What was it that made them so powerful? In what ways is your life different because of them?

Murals that matter

As I was pondering what to write about this week, this update arrived in my Inbox from Alex Cook, a local artist who has been travelling all over the country for the past several years painting murals like this one:

They say: You are loved. You are beautiful. You are important.

He creates them in public spaces as well as in schools, churches, homeless shelters, and prisons, and community members themselves do the bulk of the painting. I am so inspired by him, and by all of the people who have seen the potential of this project and found walls for him to transform. (Learn more here.)

You are loved. You are beautiful. You are important. 

It is easy to be cynical about words like these, especially when we're not feeling particularly loved or attractive or important. But that doesn't mean they're not true. We simply have a choice whether to let them in or not.

I think it is important to practice letting in words of kindness because they remind us of our value, which in turn helps us to live up to the best of who we can be. And the world needs that right now from each one of us.

You are loved. You are beautiful. You are important. Remind yourself of this in any way you can. And then go out and be amazing.