The difference between humility and humiliation

In my workshops, I often use a special set of connection cards with single words on them: Love, Peace, Happiness, Confidence, Courage, and many more.

I invite people to choose the virtues they are drawn to, want to experience more of, or hope to cultivate within themselves, as a launching point for self-reflection and conversation.

Not all of these cards are equally popular. One of the least frequently chosen is humility.

I wonder why that is. Is it a word that makes people think of being small, weak, or less than? Does it bring to mind the arrogance of people we want to see brought down a notch? Maybe it sounds a bit too much like humiliation? 

If so, I can see why people would steer away. But it's too bad, because I think humility, in its truest sense, is a wonderful thing to experience. It feels simultaneously joyful, comforting, connecting, and liberating.

I recently came up with a distinction between humility and humiliation that I like a lot. Both have the same Latin origin, and have to do with our imperfections and limitations. The difference comes from how we see our imperfect selves in relation to others. 

Humility becomes available when we remember that everyone has imperfections and limitations (and amazing qualities too, of course). There is no us/them, better/worse, worthy/unworthy... it is all just people. When humble, we know that any quality we recognize in another person, lives inside of us too. We see ourselves as part of the group, sharing in a common humanity, even as our personal expressions are unique.

When we feel separated from the rest of humanity, though, having imperfections and limitations revealed becomes humiliation. We see ourselves not as flawed human beings just like everyone else, but flawed in some unique and awful way that can leave us feeling lonely, unworthy, and unwanted. It's not the truth, but it feels that way, until we start feeling connected again.

It's so interesting to me that the same exact situation can feel either humbling or humiliating, depending on our perspective.

I like how my Signs of Kindness project has been a way to help nudge us toward that humble remembering of our connection. It is a reminder that you — all of you, and me, too — are lovable and important, regardless of our quirks or flaws or demographics.

What do you do to maintain your own sense of humble connection to the people around you? What helps you do it? And what helps you find your way back when you feel humiliated?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!