Enjoyable last-minute Christmas shopping?!

I had the best experience Christmas shopping this weekend.

I did nearly everything I wanted to do all in one day, working off a plan that my husband and I had created together. The feeling of accomplishment was so satisfying.

What really delighted me, though, was feeling that something fundamental had shifted in me related to shopping.

It used to be that I would go through stores feeling conflicted and judgmental: sickened by the consumerism, resentful of the prices, upset by misleading marketing, and yet pressured to play the game nonetheless. (My dissatisfaction didn't do anything to solve any of the problems I saw, of course, but it made shopping tiring and unpleasant.)

This weekend, though, my experience was totally different. I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it, said "yes" to the things matched what I was looking for, and simply ignored everything else. It was like magic! I found what I needed, wasn't bothered by unwanted products, and found ways to bring joy to other people who were stressed out. It was a kind of shopping "flow" that I'd never experienced before.

I don't know if I am "cured," once and for all, of my bad attitude regarding shopping -- this could have just been a lucky day when all of the stars aligned for me -- but my shopping excursion was instructive nonetheless. It opened up the possibility that I might not need to be a victim of this thing called "holiday shopping," but rather could be the designer of my own experience. Something I want to feel in all areas of my life!

What about you? Have you experienced something similar, where a long-standing perspective shifted and you no longer saw a situation the same way that you used to? Where you realized you had way more power than you thought you did? Tell me about it below!

Learning takes courage

Many months ago, my friend introduced me to this prayer, which may be the most courageous one I know: May hidden things be brought to light.

It sounds good, right? To want to know the truth of a situation? To be open to seeing our own blind spots? To deal in reality rather than fantasy? 

It's how I want to say I live... and yet I find that it is sometimes easier said than done. Do I really want to know the cause of my headaches? Do I really want to know how that person sees me? Do I really want to know the state of my finances? Do I want to know what's making those scratching sounds in my walls?

What if I learn something frightening, or devastating? That shakes up my worldview? That I simply can't handle? I understand why people bury their heads in the sand, trying to buy a little more time of blissful ignorance (or certainty!) before their world changes.

Maybe if I ignore it long enough, the situation will go away, we think. And sometimes it actually does! But sometimes it gets worse. Or gets repeated. Until ignoring it actually becomes more painful than facing it.

What's so remarkable about this is that once the learning has happened, the fear tends to go away and things often get easier. But being willing to learn takes courage. It requires us to sit for a while in that vast space of "I don't know," being open to the hidden things that may be brought to light.

How do you tap into that courage for yourself?

What kinds of things are relatively easy for you to learn, and what tends to be harder?

What advice do you have for yourself related to new things that may be on the horizon for you to learn?

What have you had the courage to learn recently that you were proud of?

You can post your comments below, or better yet, join this Friday's live community Zoom call from 12-1, and we can explore this together in real time. Details here.

In the meantime, take heart. Whatever is out there on your horizon, you can handle it.

Creativity and Collaboration

Earlier this evening one of my kids asked me if I was working on my blog post.

That is normally what I do on Sundays, after all. But this time, I wasn't.

In fact, I'd forgotten all about it.

Instead, I was working on setting up a fundraising web page for a wonderful woman who wants to donate Signs of Kindness to all of the public schools in her town. She is inviting friends to help by making contributions all through her birthday month of December.

Pretty cool, huh?

I love the way this project has brought forth so much creativity and generosity from people who have experienced the power of these simple human messages and just want to share them. Once you picture the positive impact that signs could have in a particular location, figuring out how to get them there can be fun and easy!

So many people want to help. They want their money and their actions to make a positive difference. And this project offers a lot of opportunities for that.

Nearly seven years ago, I came up with a "dream statement" during a LifeResults course that ended up laying the foundation for the Gift of Happiness: My dream is a world where all people know their value, see the value in others, and freely share their gifts.

It makes me so happy to see that unfolding, not only through the specific sign messages, but in all the ways the signs themselves have been purchased, gifted, shared and asked for.

If you'd like to get in on the giving and receiving action yourself, the holidays are a great time. Maybe a friend or family member would like to have Signs of Kindness for their home, school, or business. Or maybe you'd like to put signs or Connection Cards on your own wish list?

If the desire is there, there is a way to make it happen.

Compassion vs empathy, according to Jack Kornfield

I listened to a talk yesterday called Exploring the Shadow with Jack Kornfield. It covered way more than this, but I was especially struck by a distinction he made at 34:43 minutes between empathy and compassion. Whereas empathy is the ability to feel another person's pain, he said, compassion includes the desire to respond somehow to help alleviate it.

It is a really important distinction!

He cited some interesting fMRI research done with a Tibetan Lama who was asked to witness the suffering of refugees, and then respond first with empathy, and then compassion.

After practicing empathy -- simply connecting to the deep pain of the people and situation -- the Lama reported being "drained and exhausted" by the experience.

After practicing compassion, however, he reported feeling totally different. Thinking not just about the pain but also about how he might respond to help alleviate it, left him feeling empowered and refreshed.

Can you relate to this in your life? I certainly can.

I think it explains why I sometimes avoid attending to things that are painful, from the personal hardships of friends and family members, to frightening news about our world, to even my own fears and insecurities.

If all I can think to do is empathize, that is pretty unsatisfying. It drags me down, doesn't do anything to change the situation, and often leaves me feeling just as helpless as the people directly involved.

But what if instead I practiced compassion, Jack Kornfield-style? To not only empathize, but also ask myself: What is there for me to do here? How might I help?

Asking those questions brings me back to the part of me that cares, which is vibrant, creative and wise, and can give generously without feeling depleted or resentful.

Not a bad thing to be in touch with as Thanksgiving approaches!

Here’s to all of us practicing compassion this week, both toward ourselves and others, and feeling empowered and refreshed because of it.

Why THOSE messages and not others?

A couple of weeks ago, I put out a survey to get feedback on some new messages I was considering for my Signs of Kindness project.

Here are some of the top picks, which I'm excited that you'll be able to order soon:

• You've got this

• You matter

• Your voice matters

• You are awesome

• You have what it takes

In addition to seeing how people responded to the different messages I suggested, I was interested in everyone's ideas for other words that could go on signs. It really got me thinking about what causes me to say yes or no to particular message. Here's a video with some thoughts about that:

For those who aren't video-watching types, here's a quick summary:

I've gotten a number of requests for signs that say, "Be kind."

Inspiring kindheartedness is one of the goals of this project, but I've decided I don't want to make a "Be Kind" sign, because I'm not convinced it will actually help in the ways I'm going for.

It seems to me that when people aren't kind -- myself included -- it isn't that they don't want to be kind, or don't think it's important, but because something is getting in the way that makes kindness seem inaccessible.

When I'm afraid, or hurt, or full of self-doubt, it is a lot harder for me to be kind. In those situations, reminders to be kind might help me keep my behavior in check so that I don't do something I'll regret later, but they don't actually help me access my authentic warmth and generosity, which is what I really want, and what I believe others want from me.

To get back to a natural state of kindness requires soothing the fears are present, and encouraging a more open, hopeful state of mind where new insights and perspectives can come in. I want my signs to help inspire that mindset shift, so that the people who see them might access their own inner peace more easily, and pass it on to others.

I know that this works, at least for some people, because I've heard them say so. Passing by messages of love and encouragement makes them feel good. It helps them show up differently during the day. And for those in pain, the simple words on a sign can be profoundly healing.

This is why the project has been so exciting to me, and why I've set the ambitious goal of getting them in 25 states by Thanksgiving(!). If you’d like to help meet that goal, there are many ways you can participate: Request sign funding for your location, order a sign for yourself or someone else, or simply share the project with others.

I look forward to seeing what we can create!

Partnering with Walmart?!

I was talking with a friend recently about my goal to get Signs of Kindness in all 50 states by the end of the year. Her suggestion? Reach out to the community relations department at Walmart!

They've got stores all across the country, and have recently deepened their commitment to community engagement and giving. How cool would it be for Walmarts in every state to welcome harried shoppers with messages of kindness this holiday season? You are loved. You are needed. You belong.

All while supporting my big-visioned small business.

It wouldn't have to be Walmart, of course, but there's something I especially like about a big powerful company offering such a humble, caring gesture.

And it would be such a fun, unexpected way to get to my 50 state goal.

It’s not guaranteed to happen, of course, but it's worth a shot. And just being able to imagine the possibility makes me wonder what other options are out there that I haven't yet thought of. How might this project become ease-y?

I'm interested in your ideas for how I might get these messages of love and care funded and delivered to all 35 remaining states in the next 7 weeks, including 10 more states by Thanksgiving. What success stories can you envision for this project?

I'd also love to hear some of the things you'd like for your own life. Are there goals that you're working toward? Things you'd like to experience more often? What is a success story you can envision for yourself? Maybe other people will have creative ideas for you, too.

Cleaning up relationship messes

Clean it up.

That's what was written on the oracle card that a friend recently drew for me. Wise words intended to guide my life in a positive direction.

I guess a message like that could refer to mess in the home -- dirt, clutter, disorganization, etc. -- but the first messes I thought of in my life were the relational ones: people that I've hurt and avoided, information that I've withheld, mistakes I've made and not fully owned up to. Situations that make me cringe a little when I think about them, and am not totally sure how to resolve.

It's so easy to avoid cleaning up messes like that. If I feel bad or conflicted already, why would I want to open a vulnerable conversation and risk having those feelings reinforced even further? Often it seems easier to try to ignore it, and hope that the discomfort will just go away.

But of course the discomfort doesn't just go away. Like actual clutter, it sticks around and continues to drain my energy and attention.

Seeing the words on that card nudged me to visualize an alternative, and get into action.

I may not know exactly how to clean up each of my messes, how would it feel if I tried? If I honored myself and the others involved enough to attempt to make it right?

Amazing, is what it would feel like.

I know firsthand because I started it yesterday, with a long overdue conversation with a friend.

Can you think of any relationship messes in your own life? Have you cleaned up any messes before that you are especially proud of? I’m curious: What did you do, and what did it take to get you to a point where you could do it?

Comment below!

Disliking people vs. disliking situations: It makes a difference!

I recently posted a bunch of new videos to my YouTube channel. Several were about the Signs of Kindness project: A short overview, a longer introduction, an FAQ about whether I'm a nonprofit, and some thoughts for people who are reluctant to plant their own signs.

There was also this short one, which I recorded several weeks ago and had nearly forgotten about. It was about how we phrase our displeasure in relation to others.

Do you say: "I can't stand people who _________"?

Or do you say: "I can't stand it when people _________"?

Maybe this is just my own quirky pet peeve, but to me there's a striking difference between those two statements.

The first one is a judgement on the person. I don't like what someone did, and that behavior defines them in my eyes. It makes them unworthy of my goodwill and acceptance. I reject and distance myself from them and all people like them. It leaves me feeling self-righteous, separate, and victimized.

The second is a judgement on the situation. I don't like what someone did -- or frankly, when anyone does what they did. I don't like the impact that it had, how it made me feel, how it violated my values or beliefs. I reject the behavior, but really it's more about my own experience than it is about them. It helps me re-commit to what's important to me.

When I hear someone say, "I can't stand people who _____," my gut reaction is often fear: Oh my goodness, do I do that? If so, will this person hate me? How do I hide so they don't find out? Maybe I can take a breath and respond in a grounded way, but it still doesn't feel that great.

When I hear someone say, "I can't stand it when people _____," honestly I might still have an inner moment of panic, but it's less a fear of rejection than a fear of knowing that I've caused harm that I didn't intend. And it can lead to a more open, honest and productive conversation.

What do you think? Is this a distinction you're sensitive to? Are there other phrases you don't like, perhaps for similar reasons?

What practices do you have for staying present in a conversation even when the other person pushes your buttons?

"I don't want to" is reason enough

Someone recently posed this question in a Facebook group I'm in: What are your biggest objections to buying a course that will help you in an area of your life?

It was an interesting one to reflect on. What I came up with was this:

If it's the right course at the right time, there are no objections. There may be things I need to figure out -- how to pay, how to carve out the time -- but they aren't actually objections. I sign up, commit, and make it work.

If it doesn't actually feel right for me, I may raise a whole list of objections: time, money, structure, format, etc. But the specific objections don't really matter because the honest reason is simply "I don't want to."

If I end up overcoming my stated objections and saying yes despite the underlying "I don't want to," chances are I won't be fully engaged, won't get the full benefit of what is being offered, and will have to deal with some level of regret or resentment about the experience.

So the best thing someone can do when offering a course is to help me discern whether it's something I really want to do -- and allow "no" to be a perfectly legitimate answer, even if I can't justify it with logic.

I think this is a really good reminder, for all of us, that extends well beyond this specific example: "I don't want to" is reason enough to make a decision. And so is, "I want to."

This can be frustrating and confusing for other people who may have their own opinions about what you should do and why (usually having to do with what they want).

But it's your life, and you get to say.

I believe you are a better judge of what will serve you than anyone else.

I also believe that your well-being is good for the people around you.

What do you think?

If you've got things to say on this, I'd love to hear.

Reaching beyond "us" and "them"

As I've been inviting more people to participate in the Signs of Kindness project, it's been sparking some interesting conversations.

Most recently, I've heard fear from a few people that if they put a sign in front of their home it would be stolen, or put them at risk for vandalism, presumably because others would see it as a veiled political message and find it offensive or threatening.

This is something I really want to understand and address, because this project is emphatically not intended to be partisan. In fact, my goal is quite the opposite: to help us soothe our fears and misunderstandings about one another, and find ways to connect at a human level that goes beyond our differences.

When I put a sign in front of my house that says "You are Needed," it's not just meant for people who agree with me about politics and causes. It's also meant for people who actively disagree with me, or whose interests may not be on my radar at all. I believe the world needs all of us, showing up at our best, if our planet is to truly thrive.

My sign that says "You Belong" isn't only for people who look and talk and think like me. It's also not intended specifically for immigrants or outsiders or minorities. It is for all people who sometimes wonder if they are wanted, if they have a place in the world, if their particular uniqueness is welcome. I expect that includes all of us, no matter how mainstream we may appear.

Likewise, when I put out signs that say "You are Loved," "You are Worthy," and "You Deserve Happiness," they are not just meant for people whose behavior I approve of, who have never hurt or offended me, or who have somehow "earned" my goodwill. They are for people who regularly fall short of their ideals, who have made mistakes they regret, or could simply use an occasional reminder of their worth. In other words, all of us.

These messages are intended for me. And for you. For your enemies. For your friends. For people who vote like you, vote differently from you, or don't vote at all.

That is my intention, anyway.

It seems to me that all of us are harmed by narratives of fear, separation and exclusion. At best, they distract us, and at worst, they put us into fight/flight/freeze mode where we can't access our full wisdom and frankly tend to make problems worse.

I want us to help each other remember that we are all in this together. That we share common goals. That we need each other. That we each have something to contribute. That we have reasons to be grateful to the people around us. Reasons to delight in being alive.

I can't think of any problem that wouldn't be easier to solve, or any goal that wouldn't be easier to reach, if we consistently related to each other that way. And that is the purpose I want my Signs of Kindness to serve.

I wonder, though, how you and others see them.

Someone pointed out recently that so far signs have been planted mostly in "blue" cities and states (see the map below), and that gave me pause. Is it because I live in liberal Massachusetts and happen to have mostly liberal friends and neighbors who naturally spread the word to their liberal friends in other liberal states?

Or, having lived in a liberal bubble myself for the last 20+ years, am I missing something important about how these messages actually land for people in other parts of the country?

I would love from you to share my Signs of Kindness project with your non-liberal friends and family members (including yourself, if applicable), and ask them for feedback.

How do they respond to the particular messages I've chosen? What assumptions would they have about the intentions behind them if they saw them on a neighbor's lawn? Would it make them smile to see those messages around town? Would they want them in front of their kids' schools?

If not, what would be better?

I look forward to learning, and continuing to find more and better ways to connect us.